Modesty Music

 

Please feel free to check out my solo music project utilizing ableton live and my hardware synthesizers.

You can also follow me on instagram @modesty.music for video, photo and shows updates. Merch & albums coming soon!

 

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When things don’t go as planned

It happens, all day every day.

Plans dissolve into nothing, marriages fail, people get fired, die, disappear, lose all their money, lose their best friend, pet, keys, house, Etc.

So how do we deal? Always go back to the end goal. If a plan fails go back to your original intentions. If it’s a failed relationship were there clear signs you were on totally different paths but you chose to ignore them because it’s easier to lie to yourself and believe whatever you want to believe about the relationship? More than likely the answer is yes. We do it all the time. Go out for a fun night, meet a person at the bar have an amazing time feel super connected and excited, could this be something new? maybe something more permanent? Under the circumstances, probably not. You said you were in town a short while and the other person thought, cool a fun easy no strings attached situation. Meanwhile you take inventory of what you know, nice clean living quarters, well paid job, STATUS and you get drawn into the hoax of believing this fleeting fling is something more than what it is. If you want to get married and have kids then the likelihood of meeting your future partner is slim to none that they are hanging out in a bar waiting for you to arrive. Besides you hate bars anyways.

Scenerio 2

My own personal scenerio without going into too much detail, I was planning on moving back to my home state. I made all the plans, arrangements, saved, got my car ready, packed my things and was pretty much ready to go. Until there was a hiccup in the plan. We’re adults so we problem solved. Cool, we’re back on, let’s do this! More issues/problem solving comes to the surface. I think back to my 20’s when I had a lot more things and how terrible moving was because of all my “stuff” that I couldn’t part with, even if they were high school letters from people I didn’t really care for anymore. Thankfully this was not the case anymore, I was proud of how little I had left and how easy it was to move, a lightness I’d aquired from years of unstable living situations.

Always trust your gut feeling, are you settling in any way?

It seemed like a good situation, better than the one I was in but there were a lot of unknowns. Who is this mystery roommate? How well do I know this person? Can I trust them? My gut instinct said no. I kept planning. Maybe it could work, it has a lot of the qualities I’m looking for in a place and I could have easy access to my old hometown and visit friends often. After 3 years of mostly isolation (moving to a new state can be lonely) this seemed like a good idea. During those 3 years I tried online dating, tapping into the local art & music scene, making a few decent friends here and there but more often than not the friendship failed and the “casual” relationship failed. I missed my old friends, it seemed so effortless with them, like I didn’t have to explain myself all the time. They just GOT me and loved me for who I was regardless. I missed them, visiting didn’t help because it was never enough time. The move seemed to be the perfect solution.

Sometimes complications can be a blessing, they ask you how badly do you really want this?

In this situation the stress of “trying” and failing to plan accordingly was too much. It had me fearing the safety of my cat and my own well being. This can’t be good. My cat had been acting weird for months and I’m sure I had too, in her eyes. My schedule changed dramatically and I was always on the move, trying to make the most of the time I had left in California. A lot of people didn’t want me to go, including my newly aquired best friend. My own personal cheerleader, a light in the dark, the one place of solace and anchor to know “I’m not crazy”. I saw him several times during the week I was supposed to originally leave, everytime I saw him it didn’t feel like a goodbye. The stress made it difficult to eat, sleep for a full nights rest, and think clearly. The only conclusion I could come to based on all the evidence was that it wasn’t right. It wasn’t meeting up with what I really wanted. What did I really want? Connection. The opposite of isolation.

Enter Blog

This blog lay dormant for pretty much that entire 3 years, it was a nice little experiment in college and I thought I’d moved past it. I designed a website and an online store. It wasn’t satisfying, the website and store looked nice and all but it didn’t fill the void of connection. I successfully aquired customers, most of which I knew and some of whom I didn’t but everytime I looked at who was visiting the site it was obvious that the majority of traffic was from google, amazon, and facebook bots. The only people who really gave a shit about all my hard work were the people trying to get in my brain to sell me more useless shit.

Back to the drawing board

There have been situations where I gave up too easily. I invested far more into those shops and websites than I have into this blog (monetarily). BUT this blog already had a built in following, it must have grown while I was sleeping and didn’t notice. My new best friend was talking about schemes as we always do and he mentioned blogging and I said yeah, you know I have been thinking about that recently too. So I figured why not begin again? My first post back on was nothing much, just some questions. However, PEOPLE RESPONDED. I couldn’t believe it. This old blog? Huh. Strangers actually reading my work, liking it and then following me? Wow. this is new. It was an even bigger, quicker response than back in the day when I’d been posting on the regular and actually putting lot of effort into making art, scanning and showcasing what I was working on. In this situation all I did was think, write and post. HMMMMM. Maybe this could work?

Putting things off

I’d been putting plenty of things off in preperation for the move. I ignored offers for work (pet sitting). I ignored offers to play shows in Los Angeles, did I mention I’m a musican too? I added a lot of sugar to my diet to cope with depression, gained 25 pounds and promised myself to eat better once I moved. I stopped online dating a long time ago, too many duds. I stopped trying to go to social gatherings unless I was performing. I stopped trying to contact many of the friends I’d made. I had plans to start a new store, do the blog thing, record and make new music once I got to the new location.

Enter Now

Why did I put all of those things off? My head wasn’t in the right place. Sometimes changing locations IS the answer, it’s a pretty damn good one. Travel can take you out of your zone and inspire you and/or make you appreciate where you live that much more. I read an article recently about how inflammation reduces dopamine in the brain. As someone with celiac disease and a recent car injury there is pretty much ALWAYS inflammation in my body. During the past few months I’d been recovering from a mild car accident that would leave me exhausted by headaches and muscle pain. Not to mention the fact that I was substitute teaching and taking an audio engineering course in between. All of this activity including doing art & music shows absolutely DRAINED me. I didn’t think much of it at the time but my body was forcing me to slow down, to the point of getting sick.

So here we are a fresh new blog, soon to be monetized and a new perspective. I’m not claiming to have anything figured out but I do have clarity and compassion for this situation. The brain wanted to blame someone and demonize them, put it on someone else and to make their fault. Maturing is a process and I think I’ve done well and made peace in my personal relationships a priority. I still have a lot of loose ends to tie up before I make a better move but I have faith that I can find the solution because I am healing. Just know that you can’t move before you’re ready and the universe has a way of letting you know it.

The Quiet work of planning and making “moves”

This is not uncommon for me as an adult to go through that lull of days with little to no communication with anyone outside of my immediate environment. I’m not texting anybody, nobody is texting me. I’ve opted out of most obligations and social activity prematurely in favor of getting really quiet and “making those moves”. I also have the luxury of being single and childless so the whole incognito thing is easy for me. Listening to audio books to help with the constant nag of survival mode looking over my shoulder wondering what’s next? What could potentially go WRONG? And then slinking back into those mantras and the constant redirection of thought. We all know if we let the mind run free it can tend to gravitate towards the dark corners of the room with the cobwebs.

We’re keeping this free flow though, we’re not concerned with the perfect way to carve the message, just keeping it authentic. I’ve been writing a long time and making art and more recently getting into the business of starting businesses and helping others build their “brand” change is at my doorstep as we speak.

Writing and drawing constantly prove themselves to be free and invaluable tools for me, even if I have to constantly forget and remind myself to KEEP AT IT. I’ve fallen out of flow with a lot of practices that come natural to me based on my environment. We all have to make “sacrifices” according to circumstances but nobody ever has to know what you write in your journal or that you secretly like to draw aliens 5 nights a week. I think practices like this are sacred. There are distractions, far more than are necessary to survive and they are all begging to capture your focus and subdue your creative nature.

I had a teacher in high school that had honestly started to fall off the deep end (this happened to more than one teacher in high school) it was always so fascinating to me to watch these adults slip in these philisophical and personal sentiments into the suburbain high schoolers brain. One thing that stuck and will always stick to me is “fight the boredom y’all” and yes, I’m from Texas!

FIGHT THE FUCKING BOREDOM Y’ALL

Isn’t that all we’re really trying to do? I mean some of y’all are trying to make bread but at the end of the day isn’t that what it’s all about? The ultimate fight the bordom rally cry, there are rioters in my brain screaming in unison, “FIGHT THE BOREDOM! FREE THOUGHT LIBRARY!” So here we are. I can’t tell you my moves, just that they are being made diligently. I’ve also found that consuming social media AND whatever streaming site of your choice (prime, netflix, hulu) WHATEVER isn’t doing you any solid service. It’s good for lulling you to sleep so you can get to work on time the next day but is it really moving and motivating you?

I’ve recently been tapping into the rich and FREE library of HOOPLA and Kanopy, available through most major public libraries and let me tell you the amount of free audio books, albums, comics, movies, real books etc are staggering. But I have to step back to the Audiobook part. I am leaping light years ahead (and behind) foresight mixed with insight consuming ideas within hours. Hitting repeat on those songs that give me a boost. Going back to these audio books that are basically like “how to interact with other humans” hahaha it can all seem so basic sometimes but when someone writes a book and you go through the list of chapters and you see how you can apply it, it fills in some of the holes. Because some of us forget that while starting a sentance with “because” is “wrong” it also sounds completely fucking normal in a conversation. Which leads me to..

THE RULES ARE MEANT TO BE BROKEN BITCHES.

There I said it and *gasp* I’m a fucking teacher (don’t worry, I’m off duty) bring on the swears! But for real though I’m tired of old (white) men telling me this isn’t the way things are done (side note: fight the boredom was co-opted from an elder white male but that’s ok, no hate) This isn’t a post about hate just saying those dudes made up the rules and they probably don’t fit most of us. I also observe terrible behavior from female teachers being hardcore sticklers and shaming kids on the REGULAR for really mundane shit like coloring in the lines, bitch CHILL. Please.

We all need praise. So my methods in dealing with pets, people, children, parents, elderly. Praise people while you can in an authentic way.

FIND A WAY TO CONNECT IN REAL TIME

Don’t get me wrong it’s ok to spend your nights eating ice cream in front of the tube but make those plans and take action and connect with an adult human over something other than an “adult beverage” and see where it takes you. Can you invite others into your drawing or writing practice? Can you share all the gleaming sparkling bits of audio book info that has stuck to your brain recepticals?

Because ultimately sharing and connecting is the end goal for everyone on some level, in some way. Do it, it feels good in that natural sort of way. Like a good belly laugh. Not like that dopamine hit you get from a couple likes or a DM. Get quiet and make those moves baby, I know you can and will!

I want all my moves to be a staggering “fuck yes” move. Feel me?

Comments welcome 🙂

 

How hard is it?

So I’m wondering, how hard is it to rebuild a blog after not using it for 3 years? Time shows that this blog was originally launched roughly 7 years ago. It’s gone through some phases, sometimes being an art review blog for local shows in Austin Texas. However, more often than not it ended up being a place to showcase personal work through the tail end of getting my BFA with an emphasis on printmaking and the experimental nature of my work.

So here we are, I deleted my website and for the most part have tapered off social media sites such as facebook and instagram.

I’m uncertain of what the future holds, if I’ll go full on recluse and live by the old school ways of simple face to face or phone communication ONLY.

Or perhaps a patreon, subscription based site where subscribers only get to view my work?

Or continue the poplular yet ever dissatisfying option of posting beautiful pictures and personal work for free, no charge just fodder for the ad hungry money mongers oh and friends + family of course. While the slight social satisfation recieved from these interations provide a brief yet fleeting sense of connection I find myself having issues with the powers that be and the data mongering/selling of personal information for target ad purposes.

Here Enters the free blog solution. I’m not sure if this is the “perfect” solution but it is A solution for now. In between the thoughts of perhaps building out a bigger brighter sparkling new website or going with another ready made site we’ll just have to see how this plays out. Just testing the waters as usual.

Thoughts, comments? Welcome.

Gratitude

As an ever evolving person I feel it’s vital to give gratitude in order to thrive. This will be a tell all list of gratitudes as this is often a ritual I keep to myself while creating a sacred space. I’d like to share some forgotten memories of gratitude.

I’m grateful for all of my travels and I aspire to create many more opportunities to do so. A close friend in high school decided it would be a good idea for us to travel after graduation so we set out in May of 2004 on two very big excursions one was a 2 week trip across Europe and the other was a week or 2 in San Diego & Los Angeles California. These trips were monumental to my young budding self. During our stay in Europe we went with a small group of other students to London, France: Paris, Versailles, and Italy: Venice, the island of Padua, Rome & Florence. It was the first time I had ever saved up for something big. I am grateful for my friend at the time for pushing me to achieve the aspiration of leaving the country at such a young age. Although we are no longer friends I can see the value in the culmination of our friendship. The trip I took to California that year was an introduction which shaped a growing love for the state I’ve had the pleasure of traveling to many times over at this point. It is this growing love for California that has inspired me to move there in the near future!

I am grateful for those friends and relationships that have expired and left marks on my heart to make me stronger, learn lessons and grow. I’m grateful for the knowledge and wisdom to understand when it is time to let go and when to hold on. I’m ever grateful for the growing presence of grace in my life.

Thank you angels, guides and mentors for always guiding me back to my higher self.

Never the Same Again: A Story of SXSW 2010

Check out this article I wrote that was published online for The End of Austin!

https://endofaustin.com/2016/05/23/never-the-same-again-a-story-of-sxsw-2010/

The End of Austin

The year is 2010, a time when Austin isn’t completely overrun with condos, cranes, and “hipsters” just yet, even during the infamous SXSW music festival. My favorite shows are lovingly named Fuck by Fuck West and Sux by Sux West, both christened by punk and noise artists trying to capture the spirit that plenty of struggling musicians living in Austin feel about their town being overrun and invaded by celebrities, big bands, start-up companies, and grown adults who are seemingly unable to find trashcan for their empty beverages. These shows were often thrown in lesser known venues and dive bars outside of official showcases in dark dingy spaces with just the right amount of people. Fuck by Fuck West was an all-day, outdoors event with a variety of groups ranging from street punk to thrash, along with noise artists from all over. Sux…

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The Dream Eater$

waterdream.jpg

This is a shout out to anyone that feels oppressed by student loan debt. Lack of resources. Grief sorrow and dismay. To anyone shaking their heads to the things they hear on the news or witness with their own eyes on the streets. People of color. People turning against each other or looking away. Ask yourself is violence ever the answer? What creative outlets do you have for your anger? Stand up and say something, to the jerks in the movie theater making rude comments. To your family members that say racist or sexist things. Stand up and be heard. Silence will not be a symptom of the oppressed anymore. You have a voice. Say something and reach out for love.

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