It happens, all day every day.
Plans dissolve into nothing, marriages fail, people get fired, die, disappear, lose all their money, lose their best friend, pet, keys, house, Etc.
So how do we deal? Always go back to the end goal. If a plan fails go back to your original intentions. If it’s a failed relationship were there clear signs you were on totally different paths but you chose to ignore them because it’s easier to lie to yourself and believe whatever you want to believe about the relationship? More than likely the answer is yes. We do it all the time. Go out for a fun night, meet a person at the bar have an amazing time feel super connected and excited, could this be something new? maybe something more permanent? Under the circumstances, probably not. You said you were in town a short while and the other person thought, cool a fun easy no strings attached situation. Meanwhile you take inventory of what you know, nice clean living quarters, well paid job, STATUS and you get drawn into the hoax of believing this fleeting fling is something more than what it is. If you want to get married and have kids then the likelihood of meeting your future partner is slim to none that they are hanging out in a bar waiting for you to arrive. Besides you hate bars anyways.
My own personal scenerio without going into too much detail, I was planning on moving back to my home state. I made all the plans, arrangements, saved, got my car ready, packed my things and was pretty much ready to go. Until there was a hiccup in the plan. We’re adults so we problem solved. Cool, we’re back on, let’s do this! More issues/problem solving comes to the surface. I think back to my 20’s when I had a lot more things and how terrible moving was because of all my “stuff” that I couldn’t part with, even if they were high school letters from people I didn’t really care for anymore. Thankfully this was not the case anymore, I was proud of how little I had left and how easy it was to move, a lightness I’d aquired from years of unstable living situations.
Always trust your gut feeling, are you settling in any way?
It seemed like a good situation, better than the one I was in but there were a lot of unknowns. Who is this mystery roommate? How well do I know this person? Can I trust them? My gut instinct said no. I kept planning. Maybe it could work, it has a lot of the qualities I’m looking for in a place and I could have easy access to my old hometown and visit friends often. After 3 years of mostly isolation (moving to a new state can be lonely) this seemed like a good idea. During those 3 years I tried online dating, tapping into the local art & music scene, making a few decent friends here and there but more often than not the friendship failed and the “casual” relationship failed. I missed my old friends, it seemed so effortless with them, like I didn’t have to explain myself all the time. They just GOT me and loved me for who I was regardless. I missed them, visiting didn’t help because it was never enough time. The move seemed to be the perfect solution.
Sometimes complications can be a blessing, they ask you how badly do you really want this?
In this situation the stress of “trying” and failing to plan accordingly was too much. It had me fearing the safety of my cat and my own well being. This can’t be good. My cat had been acting weird for months and I’m sure I had too, in her eyes. My schedule changed dramatically and I was always on the move, trying to make the most of the time I had left in California. A lot of people didn’t want me to go, including my newly aquired best friend. My own personal cheerleader, a light in the dark, the one place of solace and anchor to know “I’m not crazy”. I saw him several times during the week I was supposed to originally leave, everytime I saw him it didn’t feel like a goodbye. The stress made it difficult to eat, sleep for a full nights rest, and think clearly. The only conclusion I could come to based on all the evidence was that it wasn’t right. It wasn’t meeting up with what I really wanted. What did I really want? Connection. The opposite of isolation.
This blog lay dormant for pretty much that entire 3 years, it was a nice little experiment in college and I thought I’d moved past it. I designed a website and an online store. It wasn’t satisfying, the website and store looked nice and all but it didn’t fill the void of connection. I successfully aquired customers, most of which I knew and some of whom I didn’t but everytime I looked at who was visiting the site it was obvious that the majority of traffic was from google, amazon, and facebook bots. The only people who really gave a shit about all my hard work were the people trying to get in my brain to sell me more useless shit.
Back to the drawing board
There have been situations where I gave up too easily. I invested far more into those shops and websites than I have into this blog (monetarily). BUT this blog already had a built in following, it must have grown while I was sleeping and didn’t notice. My new best friend was talking about schemes as we always do and he mentioned blogging and I said yeah, you know I have been thinking about that recently too. So I figured why not begin again? My first post back on was nothing much, just some questions. However, PEOPLE RESPONDED. I couldn’t believe it. This old blog? Huh. Strangers actually reading my work, liking it and then following me? Wow. this is new. It was an even bigger, quicker response than back in the day when I’d been posting on the regular and actually putting lot of effort into making art, scanning and showcasing what I was working on. In this situation all I did was think, write and post. HMMMMM. Maybe this could work?
Putting things off
I’d been putting plenty of things off in preperation for the move. I ignored offers for work (pet sitting). I ignored offers to play shows in Los Angeles, did I mention I’m a musican too? I added a lot of sugar to my diet to cope with depression, gained 25 pounds and promised myself to eat better once I moved. I stopped online dating a long time ago, too many duds. I stopped trying to go to social gatherings unless I was performing. I stopped trying to contact many of the friends I’d made. I had plans to start a new store, do the blog thing, record and make new music once I got to the new location.
Why did I put all of those things off? My head wasn’t in the right place. Sometimes changing locations IS the answer, it’s a pretty damn good one. Travel can take you out of your zone and inspire you and/or make you appreciate where you live that much more. I read an article recently about how inflammation reduces dopamine in the brain. As someone with celiac disease and a recent car injury there is pretty much ALWAYS inflammation in my body. During the past few months I’d been recovering from a mild car accident that would leave me exhausted by headaches and muscle pain. Not to mention the fact that I was substitute teaching and taking an audio engineering course in between. All of this activity including doing art & music shows absolutely DRAINED me. I didn’t think much of it at the time but my body was forcing me to slow down, to the point of getting sick.
So here we are a fresh new blog, soon to be monetized and a new perspective. I’m not claiming to have anything figured out but I do have clarity and compassion for this situation. The brain wanted to blame someone and demonize them, put it on someone else and to make their fault. Maturing is a process and I think I’ve done well and made peace in my personal relationships a priority. I still have a lot of loose ends to tie up before I make a better move but I have faith that I can find the solution because I am healing. Just know that you can’t move before you’re ready and the universe has a way of letting you know it.